Category Archives: God’s calling

Caty’s Refuge Chapter 7

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CHAPTER SEVEN

ADVENTURE AT MAMA CARROLL’S

A time came when I offered the house parents a break, and had Caty stay with me for a week. I took her into the  spare bedroom. 

    “This is your room, and the bathroom is across the hall. It has a shower, and I’ll show you how to turn on the water.” I didn’t hear any response but saw the glimmer of light shining in Caty’s eyes. 

   Caty went through the nesting process while I prepared lunch, and when I returned, I saw my Pooh Bear layered in three of her shirts. The rest of her possessions lay on the bed in neat piles. It impressed me to see accomplishments, but I would soon take a different view of the visit.

   The adventure began when Caty put her dirty clothes into the washing machine, and dumped in Ajax. A  day later a full bottle of shower gel stood empty after two showers. I don’t think being clean was her motive for the showers. 

   Her period began, and I found the paper strips from three Kotex pads lying on the counter. I guess she wanted to be prepared. I watched her with more caution but was secretly pleased to see the initiative she took in taking care of herself.

   Caty loved watching movies, so one night I chose “Rudy.” 

   She rarely commented about what she saw, but pointed to a young woman and declared, “That’s Amy, I know her, that’s Amy.”

   Amy worked as a volunteer nurse in the orphanage. I marveled at how Caty went through the mental process of identifying someone she knew with a movie character.

    “Yes, it does look like our Amy, doesn’t it?”  I said chewing on some popcorn.

   I wanted this time to be special for our gal, and remembered a necklace of plastic Christmas lights I had in some stored decorations. I dug it out and showed it to Caty. Encouraged by her smile, I hooked it around her neck and pushed the button to turn on the lights, and then moved her in front of the mirror so she could see the colored twinkles. Bedtime came, and I removed the necklace, promising she could wear it the next day and laid it on the nightstand. 

   The following day, while sipping my coffee, Caty marched in with the necklace around her neck and the lights aglow. This amazing girl had it all figured out.

   The time came for Caty to return to her casita, and I saw an attitude coming on when she refused to pack up her things. So, for an incentive, I told her I’d give her the necklace to keep when we got to the Home. Caty grabbed her bag and climbed into the car quick as lightning. That worked, and off we went. 

Question Answered for God’s Calling

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With my nose to the grindstone and pure determination, I dealt with the changes in our Shadow family structure as each new girl came in. Our little team of people pitched in when they could. However, the question of my calling got louder as I pondered if I should stay or return to the States. I had to sort all of this out in my fatigued state of mind while life in the orphanage continued.

Josselin* and Lorena* suffered a major disagreement, with yelling and threats. They talked to the other girls, looking for supporters for their side. The division developed into a Hatfield-McCoy type of situation, and retaliation took place behind my back. I called a family meeting. With all of the girls present and wearing questioning looks, I drew a pretend line along the floor.

“Any of you who want to be part of this family and to serve in the love of the Lord, please come to my side. Those of you who don’t want to be part of this family, move to the other side.” I knew that they would come to my side of the line, but I also knew that they had to see this for themselves. It became a choice for them to make. The expected happened with lowered heads and tears. Suddenly, nobody could remember what caused the disagreement. Lorena looked at Josselin and gave a little grin. Others picked upon this action, and the girls broke out into giggles. We formed a circle, held hands, and prayed. The girls went to one another asking for forgiveness. It felt good to have unity again, even though it ended up being short-lived.

Two girls went into trances on a regular basis. It took a lot of talking and praying to get them to look me in the eye and for them to repeat the words, “I am a child of God.” Whatever had a hold on them broke when someone spoke these words aloud. These trances happened at school and at home, sometimes several times a week, requiring constant attention.

The difficulties in the Home took their toll upon me physically and mentally. One particular day, I stood on the second-floor landing, looking down into the living room at some of the girls playing. My body cried out for some sleep. Discouraged and exhausted, I wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and block everything out. I felt like the love and counsel I poured out was rewarded with lies and complaints. I slipped into feeling sorry for myself. In the midst of my thoughts, I heard the Lord say, “Carroll, where would each one of these children be right now if they weren’t in this orphanage?” That got my attention. My eyes scanned over several of them, and the reality hit me like a sledgehammer. In my mind’s eye, I saw two in prostitution. Another being sexually abused by the mother’s boyfriend, and another passed around like a toy among the street-gang members. Tears came to my eyes. Lord, please forgive me for my selfish attitude. You said you would give me what I need, and I think I need a heavy dose of strength and energy now.

My attitude took a turn that day. When I felt like I had come to the end of my rope, I looked at the girls around me and pictured where they might be if they were not with us. I wanted to be here with them. I hadn’t made a mistake hearing the call from the Lord.

With a larger population of girls, came time to hire a married couple to share the responsibility of the children. I took eight of the older girls and moved to an apartment below the big house. The additional help allowed me to find valuable time for rest.

*Names have been changed.

Questioning God’s Calling

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The administrative requirements of Shadow of His Wings Orphanage multiplied, along with the requirements of being the mother of this growing family. Legally, each girl was required to attend three audiences at the children’s court, which fell on my plate. There were doctor appointments, visits to the psychologist, the purchase of clothes and shoes, the preparation of menus and the weekly shopping at the Guatemalan market and supermarket, banking requirements, the purchase of school supplies, and the list went on. I lived with these kids on duty 24-7, with little time away for rest. Each day seemed to go by filled with the same pressures. I began questioning my calling.

The problems grew with the size of the family. “Mama Carroll, Josselin* wore my shoes when I told her three times that she could not use them,” whined Maritza*.

“Maria* is in the bedroom crying because Ester* hit her again.”

Lorena* decided she wanted to wear a short revealing t-shirt. She refused to take it off, and it ended up being a battle to break through her stubbornness.

Two girls were caught in bed with each other in inappropriate actions. This is a common occurrence in orphanages, and we added bed-checks to our list of night-time duties.

One girl took another girl’s underwear off the clothesline and threw them over the wall. Of course, nobody knew who did it.

Leti* decided she didn’t have to obey any of the rules and pushed her idea by eating supper in her bedroom. I marched in and declared, “Leti, you are part of this family, and you will eat with this family.” After a few minutes of glaring at each other, she picked up her plate and cup and moved to the kitchen table, to the quiet snickers of the other girls.

Constant problems weighed me down in my tired frame of mind, to the point that I began to wonder if I needed to go back to the States. Perhaps I had overlooked what God had said to me. I reached out for counseling, and the message came back the same, “Get some rest.” How does one do that with such a huge responsibility? I dug in my heels, determined to be the mother of these children and still carry out the duties for the orphanage. I just needed to put my nose to the grindstone, and with the help of others, we could make a difference in the lives of these children.

I later learned that putting one’s nose to the grindstone does not equal success.

*Names have been changed.