Over the years, I’ve observed the children in Shadow of His Wings Orphanage go through the “sweet and sour” experiences of family visits. Visitation requirements from the court say that approved friends or family members can visit a child from the orphanage. These once-a-month scheduled times provide an opportunity for the child to stay connected with a relative, but they started out as something I dreaded.
We developed a visitation program, making any necessary adjustments over time. We believed this experience would bring peace and encouragement to the visited child’s life, but discovered that this did not always happen. In the beginning, much of my time involved explaining the rules to the families and watching that they were carried out. The protective mother came out of me, and I planned to shelter these girls from any possible hurt. Visitors would sneak in clothes, food, notes, or money for the child, and this required all of the staff at the visit to be detectives. I learned a new form of body language and could move my eyes in a particular direction with a slight tip of my head while looking at another member of the team. He would know exactly what I signaled and acted accordingly. I never realized the power of the eyes.
Someone monitored each family group to assure the children’s safety and comfort. Most interactions encouraged the child, but sometimes situations came up where direct intervention became necessary.
On one such visit I heard: “It’s your fault you’re in this place. If you’d just done what I told you, I wouldn’t have to take time off from work to see you,” said one mother to one of our children. Tears trickled from the corners of the girl’s eyes. The room quieted, and all eyes turned to the child and her mom.
“Señora, may I talk with you out in the hall please?” ordered the social worker. They met far enough away from any listening ears. “Señora, family visits are to be a time of sharing and encouragement. Condemning remarks are forbidden, and if you continue, you will lose the privilege to have any return visits. Do you understand?” The mother’s remarks only defended her position. The social worker asked her to wait there, and she went into the meeting room to talk with the daughter, who sat under the arm of a protective house parent.
“Mimi*, I’m sorry this happened. Do you want to continue to visit with your mother? I’ve talked to her, and she knows she can’t say things like that to you, and I will sit with you.” With the damage already done, Mimi said she wanted to go back to the waiting room, and the angry mother slammed out of the church.
Another time, a child trembled with fear when visited by one of the people who put marks on his body. With a court order in hand, we complied with a visit but monitored the visit with extreme scrutiny. The little fellow held tightly to the social worker’s hand with the promises from her that she would remain by his side through the hour. Unsure, his eyes darted around and panic crossed his face when the adult came in with some other members of that family. True to her word, the social worker stayed, and she introduced comfortable topics for discussion. As the visit continued, she noticed that her charge relaxed his shoulders and hands. There needed to be a time of forgiveness in Edin’s* heart, and this step forward helped him in the process. He appeared relaxed at the future visits.
Heartbreaking situations develop when the visiting time ends, and some of the families are no-shows. The scheduled person, having confirmed their intention to visit, didn’t come to see their child. Our children often cry when this happens. Feeling rejected, they climb into the bus looking for an empty corner. My heart aches for them when this happens.
I watch the opposite side of this situation, where the family and child share pictures, handmade cards, and tell stories of the month’s events. These kids leave feeling in-touch with their flesh and blood. They meet the goal for family visits.
Over a period of time, we created a document that explained the policy and expectations of each visit. Each visiting person reads this and signs their name. The families became accustomed to the regulations, and the visits no longer cause me the stress that came before. Everything flows in a calmer and more efficient manner, allowing most of the children to look forward to a memorable time. There are times when a visitor steps out of line, but it is infrequent. Family visits continue to be an important component of Shadow’s program for the children.
*Name has been changed.