“We are here to help any of you when you’re facing the crash time. Every missionary goes through it at some point, and there is nothing to be ashamed of when it happens. We are humans with many emotions, and when our world takes a spin, we react in many ways,” said the school psychologist. All of us newbies at CAG (Christian Academy of Guatemala) looked at each other with a grin, knowing the truth in what had been said. Some had already begun to feel the pains.

Leaving loved ones behind for an unknown time period can be painful, even when willingly making the choice. Adding to that, when one leaves all that is familiar and goes to a foreign country, one grabs for any familiarity. (The golden arches of McDonalds drew me, and I didn’t like eating there when I lived in the States.) I walked this missionary road with uncertainty and fears.

I followed the same road of many thousands before me: saying goodbye to my loved ones and entering an unfamiliar country. I knew this would be a lifetime commitment, so I closed many doors behind me. I resigned from my teaching position, took early retirement, sold my mobil home, gave away or sold most of my belongings, and left those whom I loved. I felt like I had started life all over with a whole different set of rules, and I didn’t know what those rules were.

People ask how I coped with the separation from my family and home, and how did it make me feel to know this would be final. I can look back and see a clear path. I drowned myself in the duties of teaching missionary children, diverting the focus off of myself. However, even in my busyness, I had down time when I hungered for a word from home. We had email, but it was available only in the school’s library and for a limited time. I had needed some items to remind me of home and my family, so I brought with me memorabilia, my favorite Montana rock, and lots of pictures of my family to surround me. The soothing sound of music helped console me, and I spent time reading the Bible and talking to the Lord.

My crash time came after a bout of sickness, and in my weakness, the loneliness smacked me to my knees. I longed for my family, to hear their voices and to know what was happening in their lives. Recognizing the signs of depression, I contacted the psychologist and found myself going out with her family for a time of fun, including a movie and eating out. When I came home, I lit some candles, prayed, ate a sweet treat, and found myself slowly coming out of the depression. Gradually, the ups and downs became less frequent, and I could see progress.

With Christmas approaching, I bought my ticket home and floated out of the airline office. I held this jewel of jewels tightly in my hand, knowing I would see some of my loved ones again. When I reached the States, I wondered what people would think if I kissed the ground. Home! I didn’t return to my home state, but it felt like I had come home.

Then I faced another dimension of being a missionary that took me by surprise. I felt like a stranger trying to reconnect with my family. They were excited to see me and gave lots of hugs and encouraging words, but what do we say to each other after that? I talked about my experiences in Guatemala but wanted to focus on knowing more about my family. What occupied their everyday lives? With growing grandkids, I wanted to experience their likes and dislikes. My family wanted to bless me, and I wanted to do the same for them. We found ourselves dancing in each other’s lives, but the waltz didn’t jive with the salsa, and I danced with two left feet, making me feel depressed.

The time came to say goodbye, and my heart repeated its routine from the first time I left for the mission field. It felt torn, even though I wanted to go back to the ministry. I didn’t know when I could visit my loved ones again, and that uncertainty made me feel down for a while.

After a couple of years, I no longer had to have the airline ticket in my hand to be at peace. The notion of kissing the ground when I came to the States ceased. Guatemala became my home, and one day I had an amazing thought: I had been blessed with two homes, two families, and the crash times ended. I no longer struggled with my loved ones being in the States, and we learned to dance with the same rhythm. I had made the adjustment through the grace of the Lord, who helped me every step of the way.